When someone hurts you- is it your fault for allowing them to hurt you? Did you trust them too fast or are you just too sensitive?
For me I think I just care too much about random strangers- wanting to help them. It's a bleeding heart. But how do I stop the bleeding? I don't feel the need for love as much as I feel the need to love someone else. Or could I just be too nice and naive? I get excited about a new friend, experience, relationship and want so badly for it to work I ruin it. People judge me based on a first impression and are quick to decide that I won't fit into their life. This is the impatience. Impatience to fill the voids of not having a a great strong group of girlfriends, the backing of a boyfriend/ husband or the mother.
Although, I feel like I keep getting burned because I'm trying to fill this voids with the wrong people. People I can't trust, hobbies I don't really love, where does it end? How do stop the cycle? I'm just tired of waiting, but don't know how to change or make it happen. What do I want? Who do I want to become? I know these answers, but actually doing it is the hard part. Especially since I don't know how to get it.
Keeping the faith, trying to love, and focusing on what really matters. ME. Stay guarded but open. Is that possible? The bleeding heart on my sleeve has got to see a surgeon stat.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Lost Love CAN Be Found
What an incredibly insightful day. I attended a funeral, for a very close family friends father. I was lucky enough to have met Grandpa Jack, but didn’t have the chance to get to know him. He was a loved by many and was surrounded by many family members when he was laid to rest. The love I was surrounded by was immense and I felt so lucky to be close to this family. I hate to say that a traditional funeral brought back my faith in love, but it did. I was reminded of how special you can be to those around you. Someone can love you so much that losing you or the thought of losing you brings tears to their eyes. When you lose someone whether they die or leave your life, you must grieve. After proper grieving and a true understanding of the situation, you should be perfectly suited to love again- but that doesn’t happen so easily. A lost love leaves emotional holes in your heart; holes that cannot be fixed with surgery or medicine. Holes that have to examined, understood and filled before your soul can be able to love again. Anger and fear act as plugs for these holes that keep them from healing. You cannot control the past, because it already happened- they’re gone. You can only keep your faith and not let it hide behind a very protected, confused and judgmental wall.
Loss causes you to feel alone in the world, searching for something you are unable to find in your current surroundings. You are angry at people for not living up to your expectations. And the second that a potential healer for those holes walks into your life, your plugs of anger and fear jump in to protect you from feeling loss again. It’s easy to find fault in a person when you have holes in your heart. One small circumstance forces you to change your opinion for the worse, because you’re looking at it through a damaged heart and soul. So try and examine and understand why your loss left holes in your heart; it may take time. When you are ready to unplug the anger and fear and break down the protective and judgmental wall, you can open your heart and soul to love to, heal your holes and find love again.
Monday, February 14, 2011
How do you like me now?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Albert Einstein was a wise man, but probably didn't have a clue what it felt like to be a woman. A woman nonetheless that had a perfect childhood with two very loving and supporting parents.
So where did it go wrong? Daddy's little princess got what she wanted and when she wanted it. She was showered in love and attention; a beautiful little girl without a care in the world. She learned at a young age to use her looks and charm to get what she wanted. When it got hard, her parents would swoop in to save the day and fix the problem. Little did they know that constantly resolving every situation by reminding her of her beauty and intelligence would turn her into a very emotional and confused woman when they could no longer fix it all.
I never had to deal with real problems, but when it came to the normal ebbs and flows of growing up I was taught right from wrong and disciplined for poor behavior. What my parents thought of my behaviors and activities was important to me and with that I managed to stay out of trouble. A gentle understanding mother and protective supportive father created the perfect combination for powerful confident woman.
I've always had a pretty clear view of what I want, but never knew who I was or how to get it. When you are young and popular things come easy. I always had a boyfriend from preschool forward. The homecoming queen and sorority girl with outgoing personality and honest opinions got what she wanted, who she wanted and when she wanted it. Don't get me wrong, there have been MANY failures and mistakes along the way. Failed relationships, tests, jobs and mistakes that have left scars on many hearts. It's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them, but are you really learning?
Learning that something was done wrong is not always enough to change your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. It's important to understand why your thought process was backwards, your emotions were out of control and the way you reacted was not the best way you could have handled the situation.
My mother died in January of 2008 and six months later that perfect existence bubble popped. I hung onto my charm and good looks for as long as possible, before burning multiple bridges and getting lost in a sea of hopelessness. My mother controlled my emotions for me, explained why my behaviors were wrong, emotions unstable and way of thinking was backwards. She had spoiled me with love, attention, affection and stability for so long that losing her at 24 was like learning to walk all over again.
For two and a half years after her death I blamed my mistakes and shortcomings on the tragedy of losing her. No one will ever fill the void of losing my mother, but losing the unconditional love of a parent, has made it even more important for me to love myself, love others and let others love me. It took me moving across the United States away from my remaining parent, starting a new job at the very bottom of the totem pole, and one intense short lived toxic yet loving relationship to help me break free of the "perfect existence" persona I once embodied because of my mother's love.
After a good hard long look in the mirror, I've embarked on a life changing journey. I am determined to become the woman I know I am capable of becoming. A entrepreneurial career woman and eventually loving wife, mother and of course friend. Someone once said, "No one ever said it would be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it." I sure as hell hope so.
It isn't easy to come to terms with yourself. Emotional Intelligence and Self Awareness is the first step in becoming the person you've always wanted to become. I know my strengths outweigh my weaknesses, but my weaknesses and short comings have held me back for the past 27 years. I've not allowed people to get to know me, because my passion and excitement are warped into impatience. That impatience causes a great deal of mixed emotions that are then perceived as dramatic and overbearing. My actions and reactions have caused some very solid people to walk out of my life, but I am blessed that others have given me a chance to show them who I am really am. From this point forward, I embrace what I have and who I have become because of the people and opportunities I've lost. I will continue to look forward for I now know that change doesn't happen over night. I will say that being misunderstood isn't so hard when you understand yourself, but the saying PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE has never felt so real.
"How do you like me now?" -Toby Keith
Love,
Molly
So where did it go wrong? Daddy's little princess got what she wanted and when she wanted it. She was showered in love and attention; a beautiful little girl without a care in the world. She learned at a young age to use her looks and charm to get what she wanted. When it got hard, her parents would swoop in to save the day and fix the problem. Little did they know that constantly resolving every situation by reminding her of her beauty and intelligence would turn her into a very emotional and confused woman when they could no longer fix it all.
I never had to deal with real problems, but when it came to the normal ebbs and flows of growing up I was taught right from wrong and disciplined for poor behavior. What my parents thought of my behaviors and activities was important to me and with that I managed to stay out of trouble. A gentle understanding mother and protective supportive father created the perfect combination for powerful confident woman.
I've always had a pretty clear view of what I want, but never knew who I was or how to get it. When you are young and popular things come easy. I always had a boyfriend from preschool forward. The homecoming queen and sorority girl with outgoing personality and honest opinions got what she wanted, who she wanted and when she wanted it. Don't get me wrong, there have been MANY failures and mistakes along the way. Failed relationships, tests, jobs and mistakes that have left scars on many hearts. It's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them, but are you really learning?
Learning that something was done wrong is not always enough to change your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. It's important to understand why your thought process was backwards, your emotions were out of control and the way you reacted was not the best way you could have handled the situation.
My mother died in January of 2008 and six months later that perfect existence bubble popped. I hung onto my charm and good looks for as long as possible, before burning multiple bridges and getting lost in a sea of hopelessness. My mother controlled my emotions for me, explained why my behaviors were wrong, emotions unstable and way of thinking was backwards. She had spoiled me with love, attention, affection and stability for so long that losing her at 24 was like learning to walk all over again.
For two and a half years after her death I blamed my mistakes and shortcomings on the tragedy of losing her. No one will ever fill the void of losing my mother, but losing the unconditional love of a parent, has made it even more important for me to love myself, love others and let others love me. It took me moving across the United States away from my remaining parent, starting a new job at the very bottom of the totem pole, and one intense short lived toxic yet loving relationship to help me break free of the "perfect existence" persona I once embodied because of my mother's love.
After a good hard long look in the mirror, I've embarked on a life changing journey. I am determined to become the woman I know I am capable of becoming. A entrepreneurial career woman and eventually loving wife, mother and of course friend. Someone once said, "No one ever said it would be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it." I sure as hell hope so.
It isn't easy to come to terms with yourself. Emotional Intelligence and Self Awareness is the first step in becoming the person you've always wanted to become. I know my strengths outweigh my weaknesses, but my weaknesses and short comings have held me back for the past 27 years. I've not allowed people to get to know me, because my passion and excitement are warped into impatience. That impatience causes a great deal of mixed emotions that are then perceived as dramatic and overbearing. My actions and reactions have caused some very solid people to walk out of my life, but I am blessed that others have given me a chance to show them who I am really am. From this point forward, I embrace what I have and who I have become because of the people and opportunities I've lost. I will continue to look forward for I now know that change doesn't happen over night. I will say that being misunderstood isn't so hard when you understand yourself, but the saying PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE has never felt so real.
"How do you like me now?" -Toby Keith
Love,
Molly
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